Why I'm Required to do As Told
and other bullshit
You birthed me and you believe it gives you the right to dictate my every step.
I never had another purpose other than following in your footsteps, right?
Wrong, even then I can’t “fully grasp” what you want for me.
I am meant to be perfect.
Oh, baby, how come you don’t remember?
You’re meant to be better, stronger, braver. But also more eloquent. And more meek. You are a doll made of porcelain in a world filled with stones.
Who are you to question me?
Nothing.
I made you, you owe it all to me, you are nothing. NOTHING.
I’m big you’re little. I’m smart, you’re dumb. I’m older, you’re younger. I know and you don’t. You’ll never know. You’ll never get out, I’ll always wrap my hands around your throat, you’re never going to make it, I will keep you in your cage. You know NOTHING, you are NOTHING.
you were never meant to be anything more than an animal.
WHORE, SLUT, PRUDE, SERVANT, MONSTER, BURRA, NESIA, TONTA, GORDA, FLACA, PRUDENCIA, BASTARD, MISTAKE, PRIZE, PAYCHECK, IDIOT
There was no point. You made up in your mind what I was to be, anyway.
Shattered porcelain and fragile eggshells all over the floor and you ask me to choose after speaking for 2 hours about a university that was close by.
Who’s going to tell you that if I stay longer than I have to in this house that I will not make it out alive?
“What do you think, amor?”
“ay, no se.”
I’m leaving this house as soon as I’m able to, I’m running far away and leaving you to your own devices.
“I dunno.”
I won’t work for you anymore; I don’t want to be a part of your family. You terrify me and make me sick, and I can’t ever live in these walls.
“we’ll see.”
YOU’LL SEE when all of my belongings are gone and when I’m at the college of my dreams. I’ll heal and not flinch anymore when someone is trying to give me a high-five or a hug. I’ll find someone to love, and I’ll have a birthday party for the love I lost with people that I care about! I’ll do it, I’ll get out! I’ll be free!
“Hablamos al rato”
Al rato when I’m long gone, leaving you to all your shit. leaving you, sperm donor, with your own demons. leaving you, exit chamber, to the man you chose to be with. You’ll have to figure it out on your own now, and I won’t be scared anymore.
I won’t be scared anymore…
…
You speak of me as if I am still with you
but I am a universe away with two friends and peace to find.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m bounding in a field of all your misdeeds, a garden of matches waiting for the spark of my escape to catch on fire.
And still you insist on treating me as an object?
as the rightful clearer of your path?
Then I’ll ease you into the bed you’ve made all the more gently.
I hope you’ll remember forcing me down and pulling my hair and forcing me to hold you after when the freight train hurtles toward you.
Let it be known, I never did anything wrong. I just helped you get what you deserved. That gift was always going to find you so I could only speed along the process.
And I will live.
I will escape, tossing my head back happily as I run fast and far away.
And you can rot under the weight of how you treated me and it can eat you up from the inside out that you may know how I felt in that house all those years while you forced me to take it.
The fire is no longer consuming my lungs, rather burning the ground under you.
You’ll find you aren’t the only adult in the room anymore and that you were dead from the start.
Sure, perhaps I’m required “to do as told”
Maybe you meant for me to be an unquestioning piece of flesh.
Perhaps all of our lives, I was supposed to follow your every footstep with scary precision, but I learned better by watching what you do.
and you only ever filled my head with shit and my lungs with blood
So instead, I’ll do exactly as you’ve shown me.
I’ll be the selfish monster you created without regret.
Sincerely,
YOUR ANIMAL
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 bravo!