What Little I Had
And How Much I Have Left To Lose
Today was one of the few days I decide for myself, without encouragement, to eat.
A day when I wake up on time and get to class early
A day when I’m happy to reach out and open the door of the room where my teacher is
I receive a message from one of the “sisters” from church.
“You’re in my prayers and I love you!
We heard about the loss of our dearest Sister Tenney in the middle of a meeting.
I know you were very dear to her and I hope that you can keep your chin up!”
tell me, darling, how high do I need to hold it until you’re satisfied?
And how much do I have to lose before you look my way and feel a semblance of empathy?
While most of my life, I’ve been fine being taken from, when I found her, my view of my life changed.
For once, I could look myself in a mirror and tell myself I had a purpose. She taught me how to be self sufficient and how to be a homemaker. Not for a man.
For me.
She helped me unlearn all the pain I had gone through as a kid. All these behaviors implanted in me from a young age, all to please men.
skills, habits, and practices that all made me rot inside and want to die.
She saw me in my suffering, she was one of the only ones that listened.
While my mother barked on and on and on about how she wanted to marry me off, Mimi would tell me that my husband would be one of the most aspects of my life. Not because I NEEDED to be a wife but because men could RUIN MY LIFE.
And all my life, I heard I would be a lovely wife.
And she wanted me to be happy for myself.
She told me I should get my education first and make sure to not go out looking for men because God would send the right one at the right time.
And she was the only one that heard me when I said I was hurt. Or when I cried. Or when I showed her what the men did.
Sadly, no one listened to her either.
But still, I had her for a beautiful and long time.
but she was the only woman who ever taught me about me first.
Thetus Tenney, Mimi, the sweetest woman I have ever known.
and she was right about everything.
And it’s funny how things work because at 16, when I found myself a bit more,
he found me.
Baby, Andy, Raphael, whatever it is that I can call him. He was all I wanted.
And I told her all about him and how he loved me.
How he cared for me and waited for me to be the best I could be.
and she was proud.
And for once, I felt more myself than I ever had.
Loved, for a year, into completion. Into complete appreciation and gentle steadiness.
For once, I wasn’t scared.
And now they’re both gone and I find my reasons to stay dwindling.
I don’t have much left to be taken. Surely no one would push me to get rid of the few things I love, right?
RIGHT?
How much I lose before it’s enough?
It isn’t like you have much left to lose…
A small family here and something new there…
what little I have I grip tightly with both hands
not that it ever made a difference…
I fear now that I only have three good things to lose rather than six.
and soon I won’t have any…
A tighter grip was never the solution.
In fact, it does very little for me other than give the illusion of control.
And if I did let people seep under my skin and become a part of me, how could I live again when they’re gone?
If we became one, just one line of thought, one need, one beautiful, sweet dream, how could I survive?
What if I woke up, what if we weren’t always in agreement, what if we started wanting different things? I know for a fact I couldn’t blame you for feeling such a way about us. I know I would tear you from my flesh and bleed if it meant your happiness.
be free, please, before I hold on too tight.
It hasn’t been long and I’m already refusing to let you in to save myself and you from destruction…
Tell me, baby, how can something as broken as me love you?
At this rate, all I have left to lose is myself.
My sanity, the little pieces I have glued together, the slight self appreciation I’ve gained…
Would you take away what little of me is left before people have a chance to miss me?
Tell me,
will you take away whatever I have left to lose
knowing what little I had from the start?
