If I Had Been There

when you couldn't stand it anymore

It hurt so bad, didn’t it, sweetheart?

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I would take your hands gently from your poison of choice.
I wouldn’t ask for tears or some kind of proof that it hurt.

I know it did.

I know there was nothing worse than what you had to endure. And those innocent eyes were opened to some of the scariest things this world had to offer.

But I wouldn’t let it drag you under.

I would try my best to keep you here and not let you go back to where you were before.

You weren’t meant to be so strong so young.

So I’d gently lead you to your bed and lay you down. I’d brush your dark hair from your forehead quietly and hum to you, at the very least to ease your pain.

you used to request it when you couldn’t stand the noise in your mind.

and you’d look at me and try to protest and call me what you always called me.

but I wouldn’t listen.

I never did listen to you.

I would talk you out of it quietly, take your mind off the pain however I could, if only for a little while.

I would hold your hand and not move until you feel safe. I wouldn’t walk away when it shocks me. I wouldn’t turn away when it gets scary.

I would have done anything to keep anyone I love safe. But most of all you.

I admit I cannot do much. This is my way of wishing for your healing, of wanting to be somewhere you can go when you are terrified.

And you wouldn’t have to speak if you didn’t want to. you could cry or scream or keep it in or get angry. and I would stay anyway. I wouldn’t expect something from you. I would be there to soothe all the pain you hold.

If you wanted space, I would make more for you and if you wanted to be held, I would be your hiding place.

I want to take your pain into my palms and hide it away where it won’t torment you anymore, but I can’t.

So I will share it with you quietly and let you know it’s a part of me now as well.

All of your pain is ours to share, no wound too deep, no gap too wide.

I may not have lived through it, but if I could, I would have helped you rest.

I would have helped you rest.

because I love you.

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