friEND (abridged version)
If you close the door, I'll lock it shut
Look at you now….
I let you take every single little part of me.
I will admit it; I stood before you and gave you all I had.
And for a moment, it felt rather fitting that you left.
why did I ever expect anything else?
There was only so much time until you found me boring, you always ran instead of walking when it came to heading for the door.
And I believed that if I could be good enough that you would want to stay, but in the end, all you did was prove me right.
And I’ve been so good at extending myself, stretching, because I must cover it all. No one has to see how hard I work myself, how far I push, because if I can swallow it down quickly and keep it to myself then the emptiness I feel on the inside could never be seen.
and if I numbed it quickly enough…
Maybe I could stop the pain before the bleeding starts
…
but it hurt to be tossed aside.
No, it stung.
You, in your stubborn, selfish refusal, didn’t walk away.
You ran from me and slammed the door on your way out.
what little I had of myself, I gave to you.
Was it not enough for you? What more could I have given you
I sweep everything up, clean what you dirtied with your intentions and your lies.
I’ll straighten my spine and work harder, even as the breath leaves me.
I’ll shut my eyes when I can’t catch my breath, and I’ll keep pushing anyway because it’s felt like my purpose for so long…
But you’ll have to remember that you made the choice.
And if you slammed the door, I won’t chase after you.
don’t get hit on your way out.
I may have cared when you were here, but if you left the house, why should I put it up for sale?
No, I’ll walk quietly to the door and shut it. I’ll take in a shaky breath and lock you out.
You don’t have access after you turned away.
You know you made that choice and WHY SHOULD I have to force my walls to endure the discomfort of opening up again? Why should I keep the door open for someone who couldn’t love me enough or even appreciate all I gave enough to stay?
It would feel less hollow that way. I moved so much around to make space for you. What do I do now?
You’re gone and you have no right to occupy any place in my life.
If you left it by choice, then you won’t ever have the opportunity of stepping into what it was again.
You don’t have permission to come in and make me feel anything anymore.
Maybe it didn’t hurt as much because I never let you in the rooms, but you certainly stayed in long enough to get comfortable.
But now, since you were so eager to leave, you can’t ever crawl back to me when they’re done playing with your feelings.
Maybe, when you tried, I considered it, I looked around my space and thought about all the time we had spent together…
But you closed the door and I wasn’t opening it for anything.
not for a false change.
not for a new person.
and certainly not for the you I know underneath the pretense.
you can suffer as the monster you created tries to devour you outside my door.
scream and cry and pound for all I care, I won’t open up.
you’ve made the choice, didn’t you?
so now you can live with the biggest mistake of your lifetime.
Maybe you’ll finally learn how far the road of grace extends.
The door is shut, love.
You’ve reached your end.
