For Her

because I love her

I’m scarily good at keeping quiet when I feel that I have nothing good to say.

I’m learning that you like hearing from me.

I’ve started collecting little pieces of my day that I want to tell you about…

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I wanted to start with something nice and pretty like all the other things I write.

I wanted to start with the way you close your eyes tight and tip your head back and cover your mouth when you think something is funny.

I wanted to start with how beautiful you look in the soft glow of your room’s fairy lights, staring at me way before I ever turned to ask you if you were going to spoil any of the movie for me.

I wanted to start with something perfect, but I don’t think anything comes out quite properly when I’m near you.

Maybe this can be my gift to you.

Something genuine.

I won’t refine it for you or assume that unless I make it really nice and poetic,

you won’t listen.

I’m learning that you do listen.

I’m learning that your brows furrow and you get slightly downcast when I talk about home. I’m learning slowly that you care.

I hope you’re learning that I care far more than I could ever explain too.

I hope that you’ve noticed how I relax with you. Sure, maybe you don’t know that I usually don’t let other people touch me and that there are days that I walk with people but never actually say a word.

I hope you can realize that I just breathe when I’m with you.

My hands don’t shake and I don’t think much about how I look. I’m just there with you.

You keep me anchored. You keep me here.

I guess the original huge-ass message I was going to send you was going to tell you a bit about why it means something that I let you touch me. That I don’t let people who I don’t care about touch me because it makes me sick. Maybe it would’ve something telling you how my mother forces me to hold her after she hurts me and that she hurts me further if I don’t.

That she came into my room later this afternoon just to make me feel a bit more horrible and that my father didn’t help. He called it anger rather than a genuine nausea that came upon me when she touched me or made me feel bad about eating.

They may never understand. I’ve known that since the beginning.

They’d leave bruises they’d never say sorry for. They’ve hurt me in ways I may never disclose to you just to keep from seeing the look of horror on your face.

The truth is, if you asked, I’d probably tell you right then…

But I find that now I don’t mind them.

I feel a bit different nowadays, baby. You know, there’s a girl that takes my hand after almost every class. She laughs when I tell her something stupid about my day or nods when she doesn’t hear me because though she missed something, she’s still listening.

She lights up when she remembers some kind of reference that no one else does and she smiles a bit melancholically when we have to part. She tells me she misses me without me having to say it first and she tells me she loves me and she means it.

She is someone precious I’ve found.

She is someone I can come back to when I feel a bit lost.

She doesn’t mind that my thoughts don’t connect and as soon as I stop talking when someone else interrupts me, she turns right to me, looks me in the eye and says, “I’m listening.”

She’s silly and if someone says something wild, she turns to me and says, “hEllo”

She’s very gentle and her hands shake but I really like her hands. I find them so warm and comforting and gentle. I like her arms that spread right out as soon as she’s shocked or as soon as something surprises her. She bends down to hug me because she’s a foot taller (which i find very comforting and sweet). She hugs me tight and buries her face in my hair and I want nothing more than her.

You see, this girl is all I’ve ever wanted. And most days, I find her far braver than I ever will be. She lets me hold her even though she isn’t used to it and she makes me feel so loved. I’ve never had a relationship in which I wasn’t scared about where someone would put their hands or how close they get. I’ve never had a relationship where my nerves didn’t turn into anxiety when it came to getting closer.

This girl just makes me happy, baby.

She’s very graceful and sweet. I could stare at her for hours. I wish I could spend all the time I have staring at her.

You may not see it, baby, but you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Before the eyes of all that is holy, I’ve been staring at you since the first week of school and Chloe can tell you as much.

I like holding your hand in public and telling people that you bring me so much happiness. I like making a list of all the things I don’t have to mind with you and then I like smiling because even after listing all that could go wrong, I don’t fear it.

That may sound strange, I suppose, but most of the time all that is in my head is how long it will take until things end. For once, I don’t fear that with you.

I’m not scared to love you, though how much I love you is already a scary amount. I’m not scared to love you in loud ways or quiet ways. More than anything I want to be just what you need. I want to make you laugh and I want to be somewhere you can go when you’re lost too.

And though other people may not think it true, or proper in such a short time, I love you. I find that with you, I’m fine with doing things awkwardly and laughing and embarrassed and unsure. I could be scared shitless but I sure as hell still asked if you wanted to kiss. And I’m beyond glad I did.

I don’t know how the future will be for us, but I know that I want to be with you as long as I can. I want to learn everything there is to know about you and know just what makes you laugh and what makes you proud. And I want to be somewhere you can cry freely or do as you like. I want to be someone you know and choose to love anyway.

I don’t know if this will have made sense to you but I want to see it all and love you because of it, not in spite of it.

I love you, baby.

I love you with all that I am.

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