Fever

and other delusions

my skin feels sticky and unbearable as I turn onto my side.

My brain swims inside my head and throbs with every movement, or so it seems.

Through, my haze, I feel everything and nothing at all.

102 degrees and I preferred to stay in bed, suffering for 6 hours than to wake you up.

I know, you will call me irrational when you do come around and talk about how you would have done nothing but take care of me throughout, but we both know that it isn’t true.

I would rather fade away from the fever than risk your wrath at such a horrid time. What more could I do?

What else would satisfy your needs before my own?

My sister finds me, almost unable to breathe, red in the face, the fever having climbed higher. I smile weakly before I turn over and lose whatever I had eaten yesterday. My body did try hard to keep it down, I must commend it for that.

she goes and wakes up my mother who laughs and starts uncovering me…

I turn away, trying hard to breathe, on my stomach, curling away from her as she starts pulling at my clothes…

god, do anything but let her touch me. I can’t stand it when she tries to touch me gently, it makes me want to die…

And I never cry in FRONT of people, especially not in front of her, but I lose it as she starts touching me.

her voice feels like it’s scraping the walls of my mind, and I want to scream but I have no strength…

She leaves shortly after dragging me from my bed to the floor, letting me “cool down.”

I crawl into my bed like an animal, sore and so sick…

I look at the roof and whisper quietly “I want it to be quiet for once…”

and I cry as I close my eyes and plead for whoever will hear me for the chance to sing.

I just want to be happy again and eat again.

Quietly, the beautiful memory of you walks in to warm my room, as if you were still trying to take care of me. I reach over the other side of my bed to pull out your coat and your favorite handkerchief that always sits on my nightstand.

I cradle them close to my heart for a while and think of you. I wonder if you miss me or if you remember me at all. I wonder if things are beautiful up there in whatever place you’re at.

I bury myself quietly under the covers, breathing through the flu, getting dizzy and thinking for a moment…

maybe this is it…

I feel the tears slip down my cheeks as I whisper quietly that maybe things would be better if I could be with you.

I wouldn’t have anyone to weigh down anymore. No one would call me “paycheck” or “burra”

for once, I smiled and thought

Yes, how lovely my skin would be.

If I closed my eyes and never opened them again, my skin wouldn’t have anymore scars.

But I looked at the letter you gave me, pinned up to my wall and I remembered the last line because I could never forget your words.

“you have to live, sweetheart. for me.”

I’ve never found you crueler than I did at that moment. No matter how much time had passed, I was still so angry, baby. HOW, HOW, god how could you ask for something like that? What kind of monster would ask me to CHOOSE to live without them?

WHAT IDIOCY possessed you in that moment to write something like that down??

AND NOW all I can do is cry about it. You DARE leave me alone, all alone, in this cruel world and expect me to come to terms with what little you left me?

A letter I have memorized, a huge trenchcoat, and a handkerchief?

And even now, in my time of pain and suffering, you expect me to stay attached to this atrocious existence? For what?

Because you want me to be loved? Because you want me to continue without you?

You were a stupid, stupid man. You should have let me go with you.

THAT would’ve been easier than staying here.

I closed my eyes and pictured how happy we would be in heaven. I asked God to take me anyway because I was the weak one.

I just held it together until I saw your eyes close.

I wished mine would close like that, so we would never have to be away from one another.

How could you love me enough to tell me to love another? You were always boyishly in love, and you were far too naive. How could you expect me to live without the breath I once survived on?

but I could never stay angry at you, not when you loved me like that.

As the fever took me under and as I closed my eyes, you were all I thought of.

I didn’t mind as the heat got unbearable, if it meant I got to see you.

And as a tear slipped down my cheek, I whispered your name and told myself that everything would be okay if you would walk in.

I wanted you to hear me, but I knew you would frown.

You always raised an eyebrow with your tongue in cheek.

I can almost see you all over again. Maybe it’s the fever.

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