Chronicle (1)
exhausted but not hungry
roots above the trees,
my mind a see of leaves
sitting in the sun warm and comfy as time stops at a stoplight, trying to keep my head up because a word isn’t enough. I’m tired but I’ve spoken to you and I’ve heard your voice, or at least what you used to say, through one of my friends. I’m not hungry, in fact, I’m rather full. I want nothing more than to rest. Half the time I find myself laying with you, forever a part of the soil, wishing to have burned and have been lost forever right along with you. my ashes and yours forever intertwined, alone with you in ether, hoping for nothing more than my end.
and that isn’t fair to half the people that love me.
I can’t find it, baby, and when I do it’s in the oversized comfort of a coat that wasn’t supposed to belong to me. I can’t tell you how it feels or what to say. I never knew anyway. you were my words. you were all of it. and how am i supposed to move on when you loved me that way.
And if in fact I want to move on or if I find someone that I love, how could I explain that I never planned for anyone to have their hands on me but you. there’s no one like you, no one better than you. and if there was, you died loving me. and part of the chain around my neck was forged through guilt. I wish to be angry so that I can make it right with my fists. I wish to mourn all day and night that I may be comforted by sweetness.
So how do i function now that I’m just empty? And I do want to be loved and I do want to move on and I do want a future but now everything without you seems pointless. And what if I do get away and what if I do move to my house and I find that being alone with myself breaks me far more than being crowded and suffocated by people who hate me. and what if no one ever wants to be one with me and what if I never get to have sex? what then?
I’m not prepared to die without having lived again but can I even find it when the air was ripped from my lungs?
I’m so tired and you aren’t here to cover my ears when it gets too much. And you'll never kiss the column of my throat again and you left before me and I don’t know if I can be strong anymore.
I’m scared I dunno who I am anymore.
it was tragically beautiful